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26 January 2009 @ 04:46 pm
Beautiful Mess.  
So there has been a lot going on in my life, and I really don't know what to do with it all. I've been trying to figure it all out, but it's so scrambled up I don't think I'll ever sort it all out. It's just such a mess and now I just don't know what to do. Katie has decided to run from it all because she can't deal with it. I don't run, sadly. When my ship sinks, I'm going to have to go down with it. Maybe it's because I'm stronger than her, or maybe I have too much pride. Integrity gets the best of me, I suppose. 
Erin has been bothered enough by me, and I just don't want to pester her anymore. I feel like since I've started to hang out with her and the guys I've just stolen her life. She has so much fun with them, and she is just so happy. I don't want to ruin that happiness, because I can see that deep inside she is hurting. I don't want to hurt her anymore, so I'm going to leave them alone. But I can't say she's the only reason I'm not going to be coming around anymore. I don't like drama, but wherever I go it seems to follow me because I am like a sponge. Everything comes to me, and it stresses me the fuck out. So here I am venting all of my anger, sadness, happiness, and whatever else is left in me. 

Joe, well that boy has made me so confused. He was right, it is complicated. It's complicated because he makes it complicated. It seems like he tries to find things to stress him out. If he would just sort it all out in his mind he would be fine. I know exactly how it feels to be pressured over things like school, and just life itself. But the way he makes it seem is like it's the end of the world. But for some reason I still like him. I guess it's the energy the he gives off. It's that positive energy that makes him seem just so great. He has something to believe in, and he always has something to laugh about. But he runs, and runners are only one thing. I wish he wasn't a runner. If only he could face his problems, that would make life so much easier. I don't even understand why I am a problem. If I ask him then I'm just pushing him farther and farther away. So I ask his friends, and Erin. But Erin doesn't want to answer because that means she has to think about feelings someone else has for one of her friends. I know how much she doesn't want to do that. So I am just going to give up on the whole thing because if I stay I'm just going to go insane. 

Wait a minute, I'm already there. I'm doing this to myself.

I am just going to take a long shower and think. Oh, wow now I'm putting my thoughts on here. Okay, how about this? I'm just frustrated and I'm not making any since. I always talk in circles. You really want to know what kind of guy I want to meet? A guy that can understand me when I'm like this and make me calm. That's what I want. If you find him, then give him my number. 

Tags: , ,
Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Tunes: A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz